武松打虎剧本Wu song fought the tiger
旁白一：Water Margin is a well-known Chinese novel. It’s famous for the 108 chivalrous robbers in Song Dynasty. Wu song is one of the most popular among them. Now please enjoy the short play Wu Song fought the tiger.
（播放搞笑英文版好汉歌，武松大摇大摆拿棍子挥舞进场。）
第一幕：喝酒
武松：Hello! I am Wu Song. The most handsome, famous and clever man in Liang Shan. I am going home to kill my sister in law Pan jinlian! She poisoned my brother. I told my brother Pan jinlian was dangerous. But My brother still married her. (叹气，唉….跟音乐一起唱且跳舞)Dangerous, dangerous! The girl is dangerous.
(舞蹈dangerous…)
武松(见到酒店一家)：A restaurant! Good. I am hungry. (进屋坐下)Waiter! Wine! Wine! The best wine!
小二1：Hi, sir. Sit down please. Would you like XO, Er Guo Tou, Mao Tai, or Qing Dao beer?
武松：（晕晕乎乎地）How much is the XO?
小二1：1880 yuan . ( 展示大瓶酒，醒目的标价)
武松：Open…Open…..(喷嚏)（小二将酒瓶起开）
武松：（面怒，片刻无语）Open the window please！Not the wine. I want some er guo tou!
It’s strong enough.
小二1：You….You…..(敢怒不敢言, 转身倒碗二锅头)，Ok. Here you are.
武松：Anything to eat?
小二1：Would you like sandwiches, hamburgers, bread, or pizza?
武松：Ten pizzas, please.
小二1: Here you are!
武松：(喝一口酒）Good wine, very good wine!
（小二上了两碗酒，武松喝了，却是不再倒了）
武松：Waiter! I want more wine.
英文话剧剧本小二2：Sir, More pizzas OK, more wine no way! 客官，要比萨饼就给您，这酒就不添了。武松：(生气) Why? I have money! (扔钱倒桌上)
小二2：Look! (指着“三碗不过冈”牌子)。This wine is very strong. One bowl, comfortable.
Two bowls, can’t walk. Three bowls, drunk and fall!，(叫店小二示范) 喝一碗神清气爽，喝两碗保你浑身无力，喝三碗就立刻醉倒，最多喝保证你酒精中毒，命都没有了…… 武松：（喝一口，挤笑）Who am I? Wu Song! Even 18 bowls is nothing for me. Give me wine!(咆哮，敲桌子) 不是我狂妄，这酒劲虽大，可我绝对是应付得了，就是喝上十八碗也只是漱口而已，倒酒！
小二2：But you must call this number and buy one coffin first.(掏出手机，出示电话号码7474774，旁边注明棺材预订)，Then I will serve you more wine.
武松：（勉强同意，做打电话状）Hello! My name is Wusong. I need one coffin .......
小二2：Here is your wine. But your last meal, I think.你的酒来了！慢慢喝，估计是你最后一顿了。
（武松冷哼一声。一次次举起大碗，眨眼间十八碗酒就下了肚吃完了，扔下银两，拎着他的棍子就走）
掌柜：Where are you going, sir？
武松：Jing yang gang去景阳冈。
掌柜：Oh, my god. You want to die? There is a tiger there. It has eaten 30 People.客官万万去不得！如今景阳冈上有只华南虎，已经害了三十几个人，你不要命就去吧。
武松：(醉醺醺地) A tiger? I’ll kill it! Look ! I am so strong. I am good at Kong Fu!(秀肌肉，舞弄棍子，踢腿。)老虎？我要杀了它！看我有多壮！我的功夫多棒！
店内顾客1：You’d better not go today. It’s dark.我看你今天还是别去了。天已经黑了！
店内顾客2：Yes! You are drunk. Don’t go. 对啊，你喝多了，可万万去不得！
武松：(生气摆手) Go away! (摇摇晃晃走了)
店内顾客3：（摇头叹气）e mi tuo fo! God bless him! A men! （阿弥陀佛，上帝保佑，阿门）第二幕：打虎
旁白二：（武松提着短棍，大着步，径向景阳冈走去摇摇晃晃地走了一段路，有一只老虎跳出来）Wu song was on his way to Jing yang gang. Suddenly, a tiger jumped out.
路人甲：(担惊受怕) A Tiger! Run away!
路人乙：Go, go, go! (拐杖丢一边，都能跑了。)
路人丙: (慌乱，撞到武松) Oh my god…Help!
武松：Where is the tiger? You cowards ! Oh！My god! It’s a real mother tiger! ( 跪地求饶) Miss tiger. let me go! My mother is 80 years old. My son is only 2 years old. Please.
Please! 老虎在哪？你们这胆小鬼！噢，天哪！一只母老虎！求求你让我走吧！我上有八十岁老母，下有两岁儿子。求你了！
老虎：(大笑) I like pork. I like beef. I like chicken. But my favourite is human meat. Ha, ha….
哈哈，我喜欢猪肉，牛肉，鸡肉。但我的最爱是人肉！哈哈哈。。。（准备扑过去）武松：（做暂停手势）Stop! Let me have a look. Are you a real tiger? 等等，你是真老虎吗？老虎：Of course! Come and see. My fur, my teeth, and my tail! 当然啦！来瞧瞧我的虎皮，虎牙，还有虎尾巴。
武松：Yes, yes. You are real. Can I take a photo? I will put it on the newspaper.是的，是的。
你是真老虎。我可以拍个照吗？我要把它放到报纸上去。
(掏出相机，准备拍摄）
老虎：Newspaper? Super star! Great! Come on! 上报纸？太好了。来吧, 拍吧！（摆pose）武松开闪光灯拍照，啪啪。。。！
老虎：（眼睛被闪花了。东摸洗摸。）Oh, no. I can’t see now! Oh, no!
武松：(举起棍子就打) I will kill you and sell you for lots of money!
（棍子打到虎背上断成两截）
老虎：You cheat me ! I will eat you! ( 东扑西扑)你骗我，我要吃了你！
武松：（用绳子把棍子连接起来）ha, ha. Shuang Jiegun! (舞动起来，音乐《双截棍》)
老虎：Eat you! Eat you! Eat you!.......（扑，扑，扑。喘粗气）I am tired！
武松一样喘粗气，提棍子再打。被老虎一爪子扇掉！老虎顺势再扑，武松情急之下脱掉鞋子向老虎扔去。老虎接住鞋子，一闻，大叫一声（my god！Hong kong foot!）瞬时被臭得晕了过去。武松抓住时机上前一阵狂扁。老虎刚要醒来，武松把另一只鞋子在它脸上一晃。老虎一，彻底呜呼！
武松：Great！it’s de ad. I am too tired.( 枕着老虎就睡着了。鼾声阵阵….)
旁白三：第二天早上，（公鸡啼叫…喔，喔！）一猎户走过发现武松和老虎。
The next morning, a group of hunters found Wusong and the tiger.
猎户甲：Oh, he killed the tiger!
猎户乙：He is awesome!
猎户丙：Is he dead?
猎户丁：Wake up! Man! (武松醒了过来，一脸茫然)
猎户戊：You killed the tiger. You are our hero!(武松露出炫耀的微笑，帅气摸头)
众猎户（5人）:Hero! Hero! Hero!......(簇拥武松下山)
旁白四：A police car was coming. It parked in front of them, and two policemen got out of the car. 一辆警车停在众人面前。有两个警察从车上下来。
警察甲：We are the police! （拿出）
警察乙：You killed the tiger? We should protect tigers!
警察丙：Follow us to the police station!
武松：Why? Why? No, I’m the hero. Let me go! Let me go! ….. (多人舞蹈let it go…)
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